Welcome Back And The Trust Question

SPEAKER_01 0:05

Welcome back. Welcome back. You're listening to The Sweet Spot, and it is Trust Yourself Thursday already. Thank you so much for your time, your attention. Thank you so much for the love and the feedback you all have been giving us. This has been an amazing series we've been doing this week. I've had the pleasure of sitting here with my great friend KG Kendall Glassby. He's a poet, he's a writer, he's an actor, he's also a business guru, and he is my friend.

SPEAKER_02 0:34

My pleasure. Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

Absolutely. So we find ourselves today in Trust Yourself Thursday, KG. And on Trust Yourself Thursday, we usually talk about trust or some aspect of it. And we've unpacked many, many dimensions of trust here on Trust Yourself Thursday. I'm kind of interested in your take on how is trust formed, how is it broken, and then how is it repaired? I don't know that we really actually have the answers to those things. I I still, in my work, I still struggle with having pat answers for something as profound as trust. And then

Trust Hidden In Daily Life

SPEAKER_01 1:18

people tell me, well, they don't have a trust that you know they don't see trust as important. I always say to them, look, dude, like when I gotta get on a bus or a train or a plane, I'm trusting that pilot, that bus driver, and that cab ride. I'm hoping that they're together because there's an implicit trust that goes into me jumping onto this vehicle and the person who is taking me from point A to point B. When I go to a restaurant and I eat food, I don't think about it, but I'm trusting that the person in the kitchen knows what they're doing and that they're not gonna do something insane and like poison my food. Not that I'm paranoid, but I actually don't even think about it. But think of when if I'm reflecting, trust is embedded into the very fabric of what we do as humans. And of course, we can drill down to trust in our relationships and our families, where we have a deeper sense of trust in terms of the people we love and that we care about and who we hope love us and care for us. And I'm wondering how is that

Time Spent Builds Real Trust

SPEAKER_01 2:27

formed? I'll take it in three parts. How do how do we build trust? How do you build trust? Like how we trust each other. How do you build trust in from the KG perspective?

SPEAKER_02 2:40

Yeah, that's a great question. Um I believe to those that do not believe trust is important, I believe everything happens at the speed of trust. Right? You mentioned riding a bus, right? Um I has the uniform on, he's at the wheel, so by default, he had to go through a number of steps to be able to be able to sit to sit there. I'm not going to necessarily trust that individual with doing my taxes, right? So when I think about trust, trust isn't something that's absolute. Right? There's degrees of trust. And the your question was, how do you develop trust? I think you develop trust with time spent and seasons weather. It's as simple as that. Time spent and and seasons weathered. Otherwise, you are you are going on, you're going off of gut. And, you know, we're wired that way. We're animals, right? We have to be able to identify a potential danger very quickly so that we can respond accordingly. And that that is filtered down into trust. But with the complex relationships that we have, is it's a little bit more robust, right? Um So that would be my response to what you you asked me.

SPEAKER_01 4:14

Yeah, yeah, the time spent and seasons weathered. Wow. I never even put it. This is what makes you a poet. Uh that was just beautifully put, and I could see it very clearly because the more familiar you become with something, the more you trust it. Even in my work, when I walk into like a new environment, if I'm walking into a new sports environment or performance environment, and the there are performers there, I'm thinking, they don't trust me. And I'm supposed to be the mental performance person or the psychologist, psychiatrist, whatever they call me. There's no trust there in the first few minutes, even the first few days. It takes months and weeks and years sometimes to develop that trust, and a lot of it, to your point, is the fact that I'm there every day, or I'm seen a lot, or there have been enough conversations. I had a guy one time come to me at the end of a season, and he said to me, I observed you all season, man, and I'm ready to talk to you now. And I was just completely blown away by that. Like I'm like, what? You look you waited the entire that you spent an entire season observing me. I didn't even know you were observing me. But again, time spent in seasons weathered. We, you know, we it's amazing how that works. That familiarity is such a part of it. And so I really get that point of how you need the time.

SPEAKER_02 5:46

Yeah, and it's it's so interesting because it's it's one of those things where feeling and thinking is involved in that decision making. Right? Because it at the end of the day, if you don't make me feel safe, I'm not going to explore other aspects of trust. Right? If I don't think that I can trust you, right, I'm gonna rationalize how to avoid you, right? A pal of mine. I can think of very clearly. I will trust him with my car, keys to my car. I may trust him to drop some money off. I will not trust him

Gradients And Boundaries Of Trust

SPEAKER_02 6:35

in my house alone with my wife. Right? It's not an absolute thing, but we spend enough time together that I understand boundaries that he has trouble with navigating. Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:58

I really think that because in some ways, when you talk about the idea of spending the time, it's not just time to get familiar so that we can trust each other. It's also time to know what the levels of trust can be with you. Because I and you said seasons weathered. So I've seen you in various scenarios to know what your proclivities are, what your tendencies are, where your your potential pitfalls might be. I think that's how you learn uh with other people. And also you go through scenarios with them. But you can trust the dude with your car keys because maybe you've loaned him the car keys or you've seen him in those scenarios. But maybe you saw him with women or whatever, and you or he talks a certain way, or there's a certain behavior that you know, all right, this is not the guy for that. And I think that that's also important in building trust, is understanding that there are these gradients or these various levels that you that we're always navigating. So, okay, I understand in building that with the time, the seasons, weathered, the understanding.

How Trust Breaks Fast

SPEAKER_01 8:07

And then how does that get when trust is broken? Uh how do people break trust or in your world, what how what's considered the ways in which trust can be broken?

SPEAKER_02 8:23

Yeah, it's it's one of those things. You it trust can it can take years to build trust and seconds to destroy it. Right. And it it it it really when I think about for me, trust at the end of the day, where I come from, trust is life and death. It's it's life and death. And if you break that that trust, if I'm I'm put in a place where I'm I'm basically saying I no longer feel comfortable trusting you with my life, I'm not sure that trust can be restored 100%. Right? I mean, it doesn't mean that I'm not willing to take that that journey, but it is from my experience, it's always gonna have an element of being fragile um and uncertain. So I I I mean, I don't wanna, you know, just write anyone off, but it it really is what I'm saying is that being the recipient of trust should not be taken lightly. There's a responsibility that comes with it.

SPEAKER_00 10:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:02

And if you break it, let it be a really, really good reason.

SPEAKER_01 10:08

Yeah, I feel like broken promises is one of the biggest ways you can really lose trust, right? Like saying you're gonna do something and not falling through, it can really and it can really make people just not want to rely on you anymore. Especially if it's repeated.

SPEAKER_02 10:25

If it's repeated or if the stakes are high. Yeah. If the stakes are high, right?

SPEAKER_01 10:30

Yeah, yeah, like broken promises, man. That's yeah, that's that's a big one. And that goes along with me, for me, betrayal too. Like, betrayal is a big one. Like if you share, uh, I give you a secret or something that is precious to me, and then you share that, you know, or you know, like in relationships in the work where we do with couples, a lot of times there's cheating, like a couple that's there's cheating or going behind somebody's back. Like I think, I think this idea of going behind somebody's back, uh, the idea of sharing some sharing secrets that were considered sacred. And and then, or being in, you know, having infidelity or all of that. I think all that is tied in. I mean, there's broken promises, then there's also like friends, just straight up betrayal. You know, as part of the a common reason why I'm I might not trust you, or you may not trust someone anymore.

SPEAKER_02 11:30

I I relate to all of those. I and yeah, but betrayal, um sharing things that are confidential.

SPEAKER_00 11:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:41

Um ultimately anything compromising my physical or emotional safety um when I've been vulnerable to you is a you know, it's a violation of trust. Um and I I think it's interesting because I think how do I want to say this? I don't wanna I don't want to repeat, but I do think it's it's you know very easy to just grant someone trust just off of default.

SPEAKER_00 12:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:32

Right? It's just I mean, I'm gonna trust you because I have no reason not to trust you. Right. Versus being in a position where someone actually has to earn your trust.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:44

And I feel like we're always negotiating the two depending on what type of work you need to do, right? Or spaces you have to be in. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

Um so yeah, that's wrong.

SPEAKER_01 12:56

I'm with you. And what do you what do you think about like lying? Where people lie to you. I feel like that's another one, like, you know, if they yeah, like be or dishonesty, like just being dishonest or lying. I feel like that erodes trust too over time, you know. Um if you catch somebody that can straight up like lie to you.

SPEAKER_02 13:22

Yeah. And people do anything the way they do everything, right? So I Say it again, say it again. People do anything the way they do everything. Right? So you're talking about the small lies. If you tell a small lie, you're gonna you're gonna tell a big lie.

SPEAKER_00 13:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

Right? But I I also think here's something interesting. There's value in trusting someone that that is proven that has proven themselves to be a liar, to be a liar. When I need a liar, I will call on you.

SPEAKER_00 13:58

When I need a liar, I'll call you. Okay, I get it. I've never heard that before.

SPEAKER_02 14:05

When I need a liar, I'll I'll call on you. And that's what you have demonstrated, what you are good for. Yeah, that's powerful.

SPEAKER_00 14:13

That's like real awareness and recognition.

SPEAKER_02 14:16

That is this is also from your um one of uh the books you referenced in in uh one of your previous recordings, the uh Four Agreements.

SPEAKER_01 14:28

Oh yes, Four Agreements, Miguel Ruiz, right?

SPEAKER_02 14:31

Yeah and he has another one, Mastery of Self.

SPEAKER_01 14:34

Yes, yes, we didn't cover that one yet. We probably should.

SPEAKER_02 14:38

But he he basically talks about the relationship of human to human and then human to dog, right? We have expectations of other humans, right? And sometimes they disappoint us, but a dog doesn't do anything, they don't do laundry, they don't pay any bills, right? They're a freeloading tenant that offers consistent love. Yeah, but we are okay with that relationship because we trust a dog to be a dog.

SPEAKER_01 15:12

Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god, that makes so much sense. And that's gonna be something I'm gonna have to come back and unpack with our listeners too. But you make a great point.

Rebuilding With Consistency And Transparency

SPEAKER_01 15:24

And that word consistency resonates with me and transitions us really to what how do you build, rebuild the trust once it's broken. Because for me, when you said consistency, I feel as if that's how you rebuild it. Like you have to be consistent. Like people need we are as human beings, we tend to be predictive. We we like we want we want to be able to predict what you do.

unknown 15:50

Right.

SPEAKER_01 15:50

And that it's predictable. Right. Right? And that's how I can trust you because you're gonna be predictable in certain circumstances or in the circumstances in which we exist. Can I predict? Can I predict you? And and will that prediction be safe for me? Right? That's how trust grows. You know, because if the answer is yes, I can predict you, and yes, it's safe, like you used the word safety, also, then the trust can grow. That's how we can build, because consistency is gonna beat intensity every time. Intense love is nice, but consistent trust is what we really want.

SPEAKER_02 16:32

Yeah, no, that's that's very powerful, right? So in this season of my life, I'm intentionally surrounding myself not with just people that say yes. Right? But but people that are going to give me that unfiltered perception and understanding of what I'm presenting before them. That's the only way I see myself growing, right? I don't I don't need someone to just agree with what I'm saying. I want to I want a healthy, honest reflection of what I'm saying, but I also want your input. I want you to be able to speak into my life from a place of truth and honesty. And to me, that's what uh helps foster trust, right? Because if if you can't do that, if you can't speak openly and honestly to me, right, even if you say nothing, that can ultimately lead to mistrust, right? Because I'm presenting something that's important to me, and your guidance is even if you know something is right and you decide not to say it, that has that has a potential impact. Why do I why do I want you to be a part of my council?

SPEAKER_01 18:00

Transparency.

SPEAKER_02 18:01

Transparency, yes.

SPEAKER_01 18:02

Yeah, that's what it is. It's transparency even when it's uncomfortable. Because if I'm listening to you carefully, what you're saying is that more you see, people are honest when it's easy, but it's under constraint or tension or stress. That the lies come up, the distortions can come kind of come up, right? And and trust will only grow when you have clarity, like you say. Trust will only grow when you're clear. Even when it might not, it might not feel comfortable. But if you're being honest, people learn to trust that over time. You know? Because to me, that signals, that signals that there's no hidden layer underneath that I have to detect or go home and wonder about and think through. You know what I mean? It's it's you gotta have alignment between going back to your point, I think it was on Tuesday, I forget what that you said, you have to have alignment between the words and the behavior.

SPEAKER_00 19:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

And the actions and the behavior, and that seeps into trust. So if you guys didn't hear the Tuesday talk that Kendall gave us, go listen to that because he talked about you talked about alignment between words and behavior. And even though we're in trust yourself Thursday, I think people don't trust what you say you value. They they react to what you do and how you behave when you're under stress or there's a difficult situation. They want to they track that, they track what your behavior reveals under constraint. They're looking at you to see when you are under stress, who are you? Yep. And is your alignment about all the things that you've said and how you behave now that we're in a stressful situation when it's gonna cost you something, your convenience, your ego, your time, something is at a cost for you. Are you the same person? And if that doesn't line up, then the trust is also broken. So, okay, so building it back, repair after the rupture, repairing it after the rupture, right? It's a tough one because I'm gonna tell you something. When I've been betrayed, I I ain't easy to deal with. I'll be real with you. I'm not easy to deal with. You betray me is a rat.

SPEAKER_02 20:28

Yeah, it's never the same.

SPEAKER_01 20:30

Yeah, and I'm Christian, so am I.

SPEAKER_02 20:34

It's never the same.

SPEAKER_01 20:37

That's I just say it sounds like an oxymoron, you know? It's like, you know, and I have to work on it because that is so

Betrayal Versus Abandonment

SPEAKER_01 20:45

hard. Betrayal coming back, and I had a pastor call me once and say, which one is worse, being abandoned or being betrayed? He had been through both, and he was wrestling with which one was he'd been abandoned and really hurt through abandonment, and he's also he was also betrayed.

SPEAKER_02 21:03

And he's yeah, that's interesting. So I I would choose being abandoned because we we all experience it, right? I at some point, even the best parents end up abandoning their child. They have to provide, they have to go to work, they can't be with the child 24-7. It is a part of the evolution of life and you as and the development as you as an individual. Betrayal is a choice and it's intentional, right? And and and it and it really demonstrates the absence of care. Abandonment doesn't necessarily demonstrate the absence of care.

SPEAKER_01 21:54

I like that.

unknown 21:55

I like that.

SPEAKER_01 21:56

That's powerful. That is a deep revelation. That yeah, I for me it was yeah, betrayal for that very reason, betrayal really gets to me. Uh on that, you know, and as Christians, as people of God, you know, we that is what Christ faced. It was modeled for us. How to to actually go through it and still be able to say the Judah's friend, why have you come? Or to be in that place of deep forgiveness. Maybe we have to come back. Like I said, with trust is a complex, a complex one. And I really feel like KG, we have to come back at some point to talk about forgiveness.

SPEAKER_02 22:38

100% to be able to acknowledge where you are, because I I can only speak for where I am as an individual. Right? Maybe in a year or a few months from now, I may be able to say that as something that's easier for me.

unknown 22:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:52

Right? And I'm just speaking honestly from where I am right now. So I I would love to come back and discuss.

SPEAKER_01 23:00

Absolutely. Let's let's let's end on trust the process.

Trust The Process Closing

SPEAKER_02 23:04

Trust the process. I love that.

SPEAKER_01 23:06

And that's it for Trust Yourself Thursday here. We went in with KG as I told you this dude can think. We're not just gonna be superficial about stuff, and we're not gonna wrap things up easily. We're just gonna trust the process. For science, for soul, and for success, it is the sweet spot. Stay in your sweet spot. You're having trouble with trust? Stay in the sweet spot, keep working it out, and trust the process. We will see you tomorrow where Kendall is gonna come back and share with us his thoughts about how do you finish strong? What does it take to be a strong finisher? Okay, sweet spotters. I'll see you tomorrow. And Kendall, thank you so much.

SPEAKER_02 23:49

You're very welcome.